(breathe in) be. (breathe out) still.

My yoga practice is unsettling me. Physically. Emotionally. Gloriously. Unsettling me.

The other day, I was singing along to Jars of Clay in the car. I caught myself hesitating over “take my world apart.” And then I laughed. Because that is where I feel like I am.

Physically. Emotionally. Gloriously. Taken apart.

I was scheduled to attend a yin class last night, but it wasn’t what I needed. My heart felt unsettled. My hip felt unsettled. I wanted to be quiet, still, alone.

Nathan left for dance class. I went upstairs without any plan or intention other than stillness. Unrolled my mat. Did the three stretches that open my cranky right hip. I rolled a blanket to place under my knees. And I laid down.

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I started with my usual meditation.

(breathe in) be
(breathe out) still

(breathe in) be
(breathe out) still

And then it shifted.

(breathe in) healing
(breathe out) forgiveness

And I was startled.

What was this about?

And I was flooded.

Suddenly all of my recent internal drama made perfect sense. Wounds from years and years ago that I had covered but not healed. Patterns that had repeated and I had ignored. Times I was vulnerable and taken advantage of. That I had blamed myself for. That were not my fault.

I have carried around a sealed box for years. A sealed box of self-blame and self-judgement and fear.

And it went sincerely unnoticed for 15 years. Until I was triggered a few weeks ago. And I was reminded of the cost of vulnerability.

(breathe in) healing
(breathe out) forgiveness

I laid on my mat. I walked through my memories. I scrubbed away the resentment, the excuses, the justifications. I scrubbed away the messages I had internalized about myself. I scrubbed away the old tendency to accept situations without expressing my input. I scrubbed away the hurt and the anger and the confusion.

And I offered forgiveness. Honest, no-strings, no almosts. Just complete forgiveness. To myself. To others I haven’t thought about in years. To my youth.

To things I was unaware I was still carrying around.

(breathe in) stillness
(breathe out) peace

I rolled to my side. I felt peace. I felt calm. I felt understanding and resolution. And I felt the guilt I have been carrying for my recent behavior lifted.

(breathe in) stillness
(breathe out) peace

I sat up and went through my hand series prayer.

And noticed 40 minutes had passed.

The most productive 40 minutes of my week were spent in stillness. With my breath. Settling in. Going to dark corners I didn’t know were there.

Take my world apart. Unsettle me.

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Daily meditation is one of my intentional goals. Interested in developing and tracking daily self-care habits and receiving support from me? Goals At Choice starts 9/1. Click over for details.

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