time to let go

Dreams are interesting things.

Why we want to accomplish them. Why we attach so much emotion to them. Why we have them in the first place.

One of my big dreams, that I don’t think I’ve written about much here, is to write a memoir.

And I was really focused on it for a while. A long while. I wrote on my own until I felt dry. Then I read books on memoirs and wrote through their prompts. And then I went back and rewrote some of the early material based on what I learned through reading. I typed when that felt right. I wrote with a pen when it felt right. I spoke into my phone and then converted it to text. I even pulled over on the side of the road to write once.

But then I got to a point where I didn’t want to write about it anymore. I wrote everything but the really scary parts. And I know I wrote them down on my old blog, but I couldn’t make myself go back through them to read and rewrite. I just couldn’t. And I still don’t want to.

And the one thing that I don’t want to write about?

I just can’t.

And I don’t know if I want to. I don’t know if I ever will.

I get random emails from a writing accountability system that I signed up for. I think about going back and editing what I have already written. I sometimes feel that all the time that I spent is wasteful if I don’t finish it.

But it is time for me to officially let it go. Because it is hanging over me. Because it irritates me on a weekly basis. Because I’m trying to let go of shoulds. Because I’m trying to either address or let go of what feels unnecessarily heavy.

And this just feels really really heavy.

I’m not the same person that started writing it. And I don’t have to address every single detail to be healed. And no one is depending on me. There are zero consequences to not finishing it right now.

I’m not saying that I won’t ever finish it. Between what I have written for the book, what I previously wrote on the old blog, and what is etched in my memory, I think I have all of my necessary material at my disposal. I’m not worried about losing details to time.

And if I did finish it now? I don’t feel emotionally prepared to go through the editing process with someone. Now just isn’t the time.

So I’m tabling a book that is 85-90% written. I’m unsubscribing from that accountability system. I’m putting my writing in a box instead of having it out on my desk. I’m amending my goal of “finish the memoir” and making it “write a book.”

The mix of heartbreak and relief is pretty much 50-50 right now. But I’m sure relief will come. And probably it will come from lack of thinking about it.

Sometimes I just have to make a declaration to make it real, you know? So thank you for being my witnesses.

Advertisements

5 Comments

  1. There’s a temptation when you’ve been through hard things to think because you’ve made it through the other side that it’s your duty to share what you’ve learned, to help others. I guess given what you do, that temptation goes double.

    I understand the impulse and if people need to do that, I’m going to be standing on the sidelines cheering them on but it’s not something that works for me at the moment. My ‘thing that happened’, happened and it’s not that I can’t talk about it, it’s not that talking about it sends me back to that place, it’s just that I’ve made my peace with it and that period in my life, for good and bad, is done. I’m not the same because of it and the very hard years that came after it. So although, I do sometimes talk about it if it explains something about me or is relevant to the conversation, I don’t delve into it any more because feels inauthentic to who I am now. There was a point when I talked about it constantly, because it helped but somewhere along the line talking about it stopped helping and became a sort of torture, a way of trying to stay in that feeling when I had changed and didn’t feel like that any more.

    It’s hard sometimes to recognise that dreams have to change to suit who you’ve become, not who you thought you’d be and it sounds weird to say ‘well done’ in those circumstances, so instead I’ll just say I get it and I think it’s brave of you!

  2. Another truthbomb moment. “You’ll do it when you’re ready.” It’s hard to let go. But at the simplest, if you aren’t into it, it wouldn’t be great anyway. And it wouldn’t really be your truth. it’s OK not to be ready.

    But when you are…I know a great editor. :o)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s