When I ended up chatting with Catherine Just, the one thing I took away was self-judgement. I do it. A lot.
This isn’t good enough. I’m not working hard enough. I’m doing x and y, but I just can’t get z right. So all is see is z. Even if x and y are perfect (and right now, I’m LOVING things that are happening in x and y), I judge myself for z.
I hung up from my session and really started thinking about z. Z = my weight. I’m not where I was. I’m not where I want to be. My friend Tina talked to me about grace the other day. About how we can only expect to be able to handle so much on our plates. There truly are only so many hours in a day. And I totally believe that. I do need to extend some grace. Not grace about where I’m going, but about where I’ve been. How I got to where I am.
How did I get here? How did I get to at least 20 pounds (probably closer to 25) from my lowest weight last fall? I got busy. That’s it. I stopped taking time to grocery shop, prep food, and cook. I got too busy to take the time to talk myself out of scones and chicken nuggets from Chic-Fil-A. I got too busy to put myself first.
And, strangely enough, that is what I’m asking my clients to do this month. To accept themselves where they are and try to be better. To put themselves first.
Touche, Krissie. Touche.
I know that a shame spiral isn’t going to help things at all. So I’m pulling myself out of it.
I am who I am. Today. I am the size that I am. Today. Just because I don’t want to stay here doesn’t mean that I’m not amazing and deserving and a rockstar right in this very moment. Not at all.
I am not in denial any longer. I have a few items of clothing that fit the Krissie of today. And that is what I will wear. Yes, I don’t have the variety, but I refuse to wear anything that is uncomfortable. I’m too cool for that. I value myself too much for that.
I also know that I need to take the extra effort to be kind to myself. When I am kind to myself, I will make better food choices. I know this. I am not motivated by guilt. I am motivated by recognizing good and wanting to be better. So I went to Lululemon this weekend and bought new running gear. That fits. Yes, it was a splurge, but it makes me feel good. I also dropped a small fortune on lingerie. And I bought this heavenly lemon creme lotion. And I got a pedicure with Kelly.
Excessive? Probably. Necessary? Without a doubt. Because if I want to feel better, I need to be better. And if I want to be better, I need to feel better.
How’s that for circular thinking?
So today, I’m thinking, feeling, and wanting better. And trusting that this will lead me back to motivation.
(And now I’m singing “Love Will Lead You Back” by Taylor Dane. You’re welcome.)