no judgement (and maybe an earworm)

When I ended up chatting with Catherine Just, the one thing I took away was self-judgement. I do it. A lot.

This isn’t good enough. I’m not working hard enough. I’m doing x and y, but I just can’t get z right. So all is see is z. Even if x and y are perfect (and right now, I’m LOVING things that are happening in x and y), I judge myself for z.

I hung up from my session and really started thinking about z. Z = my weight. I’m not where I was. I’m not where I want to be. My friend Tina talked to me about grace the other day. About how we can only expect to be able to handle so much on our plates. There truly are only so many hours in a day. And I totally believe that. I do need to extend some grace. Not grace about where I’m going, but about where I’ve been. How I got to where I am.

How did I get here? How did I get to at least 20 pounds (probably closer to 25) from my lowest weight last fall? I got busy. That’s it. I stopped taking time to grocery shop, prep food, and cook. I got too busy to take the time to talk myself out of scones and chicken nuggets from Chic-Fil-A. I got too busy to put myself first.

And, strangely enough, that is what I’m asking my clients to do this month. To accept themselves where they are and try to be better. To put themselves first.

Touche, Krissie. Touche.

I know that a shame spiral isn’t going to help things at all. So I’m pulling myself out of it.

I am who I am. Today. I am the size that I am. Today. Just because I don’t want to stay here doesn’t mean that I’m not amazing and deserving and a rockstar right in this very moment. Not at all.

I am not in denial any longer. I have a few items of clothing that fit the Krissie of today. And that is what I will wear. Yes, I don’t have the variety, but I refuse to wear anything that is uncomfortable. I’m too cool for that. I value myself too much for that.

I also know that I need to take the extra effort to be kind to myself. When I am kind to myself, I will make better food choices. I know this. I am not motivated by guilt. I am motivated by recognizing good and wanting to be better. So I went to Lululemon this weekend and bought new running gear. That fits. Yes, it was a splurge, but it makes me feel good. I also dropped a small fortune on lingerie. And I bought this heavenly lemon creme lotion. And I got a pedicure with Kelly.

Excessive? Probably. Necessary? Without a doubt. Because if I want to feel better, I need to be better. And if I want to be better, I need to feel better.

How’s that for circular thinking?

So today, I’m thinking, feeling, and wanting better. And trusting that this will lead me back to motivation.

(And now I’m singing “Love Will Lead You Back” by Taylor Dane. You’re welcome.)

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4 Comments

  1. I needed to read this today. Today, I am 18 pounds heavier than I was almost two years ago…and I’m uncomfortable, I’m ashamed, I’m frustrated with myself. This last week I found myself obsessively shopping online for new summer clothes to make myself feel better when I finally admitted to myself I have new summer clothes…they just don’t fit me anymore. The problem isn’t needing new clothes, it’s my weight. And talk about needing to extend myself some grace…other than the weight, I am awesome. Almost two years ago, after FIVE years of planning, my boyfriend and I bought our dream home in a new state…I took a (very) early retirement from my job, sold my home and moved while he waited for his home to sell…in less than 90 days, he bailed on the relationship and left me with all the bills, in a city where I knew no one and with no job. And then…menopause hit. I got essentially no explanation from him on his actions (other than some very mean comments) and after about a month of paralysis, I got off the couch and got a job…at a terrible employer where I was bullied and abused. Almost two months ago I quit, and have taken another job that seems like it will be much better. It took over a year and large attorney’s bills to get the ex to agree to sign the listing agreement to sell the house, and it is on the market and the sweet scent of freedom and getting my life back is peeking over the horizon. I am a champ! I’ve handled all this (and the hundreds of other little things that go with it) all on my own and I WILL have my life back. My primary focus during this time has been making sure I don’t completely lose the financial stability I had worked so hard to attain, while I have heard he has been doing a lot of traveling and is getting married next month. I’ll say it again…I’m awesome! But those 18 pounds make me feel like a complete failure and I can’t seem to get a grip and get them off. I’m heading to the gym now, and I’m going to try to be gentle with myself for the rest of the day. I’ve been reading you for a long time and you’ve inspired me, made me laugh, made me cry…you’re a great Coach to people you don’t even know.

  2. What can you do to help yourself to do some cooking and meal prep and still be just as in tune to your career self? Is it joining a csa so your vegetables are given to you? Is it Nate doing the grocery shopping? Is it cooking in bulk so that one meal can last 3 days? What can you do to make it happen? As women we always take care of ourselves last, but as you know, you gotta insert it higher up on the list. You do a phenomenal job and you deserve to reward yourself and cut some slack, but also be mindful of your new life. It is hectic right now, but you have a ridiculously supportive husband who would be happy to help you in any way you need right now.

  3. LOVE THIS.

    I’ll take the above commenter’s 18 pounds and raise her to more like, um, EIGHTY. Yep, not a typo. I had lost all this weight after my first child and then getting pregnant again and having a newborn again (and 2 kids) completely threw me back over the edge with binge eating. Just now working to get a handle on the worst of the binging.

    Needless to say, this post resonated with me. I love your honesty and your insistence on self-care and self-love and self-respect, Krissie. You rock. Know that.

  4. Pingback: Friday Favorites, 2013: Week 21, Memorial Day Weekend! | Okay, Kaye?

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