I need to give y’all an update, don’t I? I tell you that I’m torn and then I disappear.
It’s kinda a funny story, though.
First, I totally expected you guys to tell me to buck up and just do it already. Completely. I am honored that you guys understood my thought process and that you know me well enough to tell me what I needed to hear. My heart was speaking very loud, I was just afraid of being judged.
I still haven’t talked about it here, but I totally loved Danielle LaPorte’s The Desire Map. I spent significant time figuring out my core desired feelings. And I’m pretty good at using them as a decision filter. For career. For money. For opportunities that arise. I’m able to take these 5 words and let them guide my decisions.
But for some reason, I hadn’t even thought about using this decision filter with the marathon decision. I have focused for so long on marathon = powerful. That’s what got me through the 12-miler on the treadmill. That’s what got me through the white-knuckle long runs. I was working toward feeling powerful.
Over the past few weeks, that has completely changed. So I sat down with my list of desired feelings and did a serious, honest inventory the feelings I have surrounding the marathon.
When I think of running a marathon in 12 days, do I feel powerful?
No. I feel weak, defeated, and not in control.
When I think of running a marathon in 12 days, do I feel thankful?
No. I feel discouraged, frustrated, and bitter.
When I think of running a marathon in 12 days, do I feel nourishment?
No. I feel drained, empty, and lonely.
When I think of running a marathon in 12 days, do I feel freedom?
No. I feel burdened, afraid, and unfocused.
When I think of running a marathon in 12 days, do I feel momentum?
No. I feel trapped, flailing, and stuck.
So there you go, friends. It is that easy.
This marathon is not going to happen. I won’t have a sense of dread for the next week and a half.
But what will happen?
I’m going to have an awesome trip to Asheville. I’ll spend the evening before not worrying about what I’m eating and drinking. I’ll see my friends and my love off from the start line. Then maybe Toa, Kelly, and I will take a run around pieces of the course while we’re waiting to see our marathoners again. And then I’ll cheer with Toa, Kelly, and my family as Nathan, Christie, Brooke, and Judy accomplish a major feat. And then I’ll spend the rest of the weekend celebrating with them. I will get to enjoy one of my favorite places in the world with people who don’t know it well.
I am setting myself free from fear, discomfort, and all the other crap that surrounds my head with this race.
Thank you all for standing by me. It means so much.