elementary school

So I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I haven’t written a lot this week. There are several reasons for this. First? Complete and total exhaustion. I had no idea what yoga teacher training would take out of me – physically, emotionally, and mentally. I’ve spent my evenings with yoga, SVU, and snuggling with my honey on the couch.

Since I’ve been back home I’ve wondered about how to present to y’all what I am learning and the impact on all of me.

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I’m in that space of feeling like the more I learn, the more aware I am of what I don’t know. I have all of the stuff just swimming blissfully around in my head but I don’t feel articulate enough -yet- to share this with you.

I feel like I’m just on page 1 and I see the opportunity and the potential of everything ahead of me. I don’t want to come off like I think I know everything already, but it is all I want to talk about.

Maybe this a better analogy. I feel like I’m back in elementary school. And everything just feels amazing and fascinating and vast. The world feels huge and waiting to be understood. I feel like I’m learning how to write physically. And I want to say things like, “Holy shit friends! I just made a cursive r! And tomorrow I’m gonna learn how to make a cursive s!”

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I realize that where I am is the beginning of this massive adventure. But I still want to share it with you in a way that I won’t look back in a year and feel feel like a big goober.

So I will share my process with you. I have a list of things to write about, but I’m still figuring out how to make them even remotely coherent. I’m working on it.

Today I want to share with you a few things would’ve totally rocked my world in the last few days. Places that I have found words that I don’t have to give yet.

The first is a article from poweryoga.com on what yoga is and what yoga means. This speaks so openly and eloquently on how my thoughts on health and fitness are evolving. You will see writing from me around this topic, but I’m not sure how to write it without potentially being viewed as judgmental toward a community I thrived in. He speaks truth.

This podcast with Jess Lively and Kate Arends? Blew my mind. I love the talk about authenticity and minimalism and approaching both from a spiritual and true gut level perspective.

So that’s what I’ve got today friends. Expect more. Expect me to flail and some points. Expect me to maybe get a little radical. But expect me to be me.

I am in elementary school. And I love it.

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Be Still starts October 1. A month of finding space, quiet, and getting cozy with the stillness you find. I am super excited about the potential within this offering. I’d love to have you along! Click for more information and to register!

welcome home

The past 5 days at Yoga Teacher Training were amazing. And I can’t wait to tell you all about it. But I’m skipping ahead.

Let me tell you about coming home.

As incredible as training was, nothing beats my husband. I just love moments like these.

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And there is more contentment in my “back to the real world” day than I anticipated. I have this little collection right in my view.

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Friends! Be Still is $10 off until 10pm EST tonight!

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Four weeks starting October 1.
Three posts a week, featuring a video/audio mini-lectures and journal prompts.
Discussions on the private website that I moderate.
Two live chats during the month.

We’ll talk about finding quiet, technological noise, behavioral tweaks to increase ease, and places to cultivate self-support.

We’ll allow stillness to be a part of our daily lives. And then we’ll look at the impact.

Join us. Be intentional. Be quiet. Be still.

flashback friday: refocusing

So I read this blog from January, and I don’t know exactly what to think. I am still in such a similar spot, but I’m not any closer. I still want her back desperately and I have faith that I will get her back, I just don’t have enough space and attention necessary to woo her right now. I don’t know what to do with these feelings, I just wanted you to know that I still have them.

Things have changed. I did a few months of Precision Nutrition, but when it felt like more of a burden than a support, I withdrew from the program. I am no longer logging my food on Instagram because it felt really…pressured. I know what has worked for me in the past, but I do not know what will work for me presently. I am feeling good with eating and moving intuitively, and I will tell you more in the next few days about how I am finding accountability today.

This post was first published on January 8, 2014.

I did a lot of prep work, a lot of reflection, to get ready for 2014. Workbooks, journaling, planning, lots of it.

And what I’ve realized is that I’m not okay right now. I may be happy, I may be content, but I’m not okay.

I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense, but hear me out.

I accomplished a ton of things that I intended to accomplish in 2013. And the things that I didn’t accomplish were amendments that I made along the way, amendments that were actually just changing my mind. Not amendments out of fear or frustration, but amendments of want.

But what I didn’t plan on? What I overlooked because it wasn’t on my list?

My weight came back.

Most of it.

So much that I am embarrassed to tell you about it. So much that I am shocked and horrified. So much that I am fighting tears as I’m writing this.

And I am not okay with that.

I have a lot of goals for myself – for my business, for our finances, for our home – but if I’m sick and limited by my weight, what fun is any of it going to be?

So I’m taking the call out that I received from a friend. It is time that I do for myself what I am asking you to do: I am investing in coaching. For myself.

There are a lot of reasons that is scary. First, I am stubborn and I don’t like to be told what to do and I think that I know what is best for me. This came out loud and clear while I was just watching the intro videos and lessons. (I’m praying for my coach already, and I won’t “meet” her until Monday.)

I worry about what I will have to give up to devote myself to myself. Realistically, it is probably just tv, but I’m convinced that other areas of my life will suffer. Deep down, I know better, but it isn’t the deep down voice that speaks the loudest.

It is also scary because the possibility of failure is always right behind hope. Right there, taunting me. Laughing at me. Telling me that I might as well just give up, that I don’t have the time or the energy or the ability to get my crap back together. Immediately following the excited “I can do this!” is a sinister and doubting “oh really?”

But what is more scary than learning how to listen and shutting that voice up? Not changing.

This isn’t just “I’ve put on 10 pounds” stuff. I had a weight that I said I’d never get back to. Ever. Not only am I there (and I have been for a while, honestly), it is like my favorite bed and breakfast. That scary number has welcomed me with open arms. It put fancy sheets on the bed, brought in a complimentary wet bar, and has ordered a SVU marathon for me. It has welcomed me with open arms. And late night cereal and missed runs and stretchy yoga pants.

I don’t want to get comfortable here, friends. It isn’t good for me. It isn’t good for my head. It isn’t good for my body. It isn’t good for my marriage or my friendships or my coaching. It just isn’t good for me.

I want her back.

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And I’m gonna go get her. No matter how scared, how angry, how difficult.

So what am I doing today?

  • I’m back to logging my food on Instagram. It isn’t just a food journal (still lots and lots of cats!), but all eats will go there. I will not send to twitter, but I need the accountability somewhere. And taking pictures keeps me mindful.
  • I am working with Precision Nutrition starting Monday. I did a ton of research and read everything I could get my hands on about them and their process. Their weight loss coaching philosophy is very VERY similar to my life coaching philosophy. So it really feels like a good fit.

So that’s me. Getting honest. Getting real. Let’s do this.

avoidance

I’m good at risk.

I can take big, calculated challenges. I ran a marathon. I started a business. I’m going to yoga teacher training. I’m good at making big decisions and big choices.

But sometimes? The little things? I get stuck.

I find myself writing the same things in my to-do list day after day. I spent weeks (WEEKS) procrastinating finding a new doctor. When my insurance changed, my doctor of 8 years wasn’t covered. I was sad and upset. So you know I waited until I had to rush to find a new doctor to fill my prescription. It took a whole 10 minutes to log into my insurance homepage, find a doctor close to my house, and call and make the appointment. Turns out that I really like her.

Around the same time, we were approved for a zero interest credit card. And, again, it took me weeks to do the balance transfer. I thought it would be difficult. Nope. A three minute phone call. Really. That was it. I felt ridiculous for waiting. But, again, I wrote it in my planner day after day for weeks. Because I was dreading what I was sure would be difficult.

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Over the weekend, I checked off another task. I’ve been writing it daily since the early part of July. It just seemed daunting to me. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was sure I’d do it wrong. I really wanted to check it off before I went to yoga teacher training. So I bit the bullet. I sat down with everything I thought I could possibly need. And I needed zero of it. It took all of five minutes. Easy peasy. No snags. Just…done.

I can’t tell you how good it felt. And how much time I feel like I’ve wasted. I’ve spent longer than that writing the task day after day after day. I feel kinda silly. But, more than that, I feel relieved.

Is there something you can check off today? Something that you can spend 5 minutes doing that you can just stop worrying about already?

Surprise/bonus blogpost!

I didn’t intend to do this. I have blogs pre-written and pre-scheduled for the week. But I wanted to say hello from Nashville.

I start yoga teacher training in a little over an hour. I had a nice, easy morning. (Thank you, central time zone.) And now I’m enjoying a lovely coffee shop breakfast.

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I just want to say thank you. To each of you.

You have sent me emails and texts and cards. You have thought happy thoughts for me. You have given me places to sleep. I feel like my love cup is full, full, full. And there is no room for fear or pressure or nerves. Because my cup is full of love.

Also? Nathan Bentley. I love you. I’m glad we have crazy ideas. And I’m glad we chase them. You are my heart.

I will be somewhat absent on social media this week. As a way to minimize distractions while still sharing my stories, I’ll be sharing my yoga teacher training adventures/coffee primarily on Instagram this week. Click to see or follow!

http://instagram.com/krissiebentley

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Oh! And Be Still is on sale ($10 off!) while I’m away!

I’m loving today, friends. And I hope you are too. xoxo

what do I really want?

As I was really still the other day, I found myself curious about what I really want. You know, goals and dreams and intentions and 5-year plans and all of that stuff.

I realized that I have no idea. I mean, zero. I have a dozen possibilities but nothing that is even close to concrete. I see myself coaching and teaching yoga and maybe even doing some focused running coaching again and possibly still working part-time for my current employer or maybe slinging coffee or making jewelry or who-knows-what.

Yeah. I feel super up in the air. Initially, this felt panicky. Like I should know where I’m going. Like I should know what I want. And instead, I feel like I’m just sitting in the middle of a sunny field. I’m putting together a puzzle. I keep new getting pieces, discarding other pieces, and putting others aside for when I may need them in the future.

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And when I look back over the past few years? I don’t think that is a bad thing.

This is exactly where I should be. Content but striving. Driven but curious.

When I think about how to discern all of these potential paths, I keep my Core Desired Feelings in mind. (What am I talking about? Go check out the Desire Map.)

I want to feel assured. I want to trust that my God, my husband, and my efforts will provide all that I need. I want to feel that I have all that I need. That I am all that I need to be. I want to have faith in my enoughness.

I want to feel responsive. I originally had brave in this spot, but I feel a lot of pressure with brave. For me, brave feels really big. Brave feels like I have to take big chances and make big commitments. Responsive feels better to me. Responsive feels like there is discernment involved. I want to sincerely look at opportunities that I am presented with. And I want to respond. I want to to have the faith to take on opportunities that scare me. I want to take chances that I see. I want to be thoughtful and discerning and not allow fear to get in the way.

I want to feel content. I want to live in that sweet spot where I love myself and my life just as it is, but still have that fire to make things better. Knowing that today is enough just as it is.

I want to feel unapologetic. I want to speak my truth to whoever will listen. (Thank you for this space, sweet friends.) I want to live without playing small. I want to say yes when I mean yes and say no when I mean no without apology or explanation. I want to allow myself space to be quiet and be loud. To be social and to be alone. To allow myself the same grace that I offer to others.

I want to feel ease. Ease does not equal laziness. I understand the importance of commitment and discipline. But, when all is said and done, I want to get up and go to bed feeling a sense of ease. That my day is designed in a way that creates space and fullness. That I am operating in my strengths and not focusing on my weakness. That I have planned my day/week/month in a way that I am not overloaded and stressed. I want to feel like my to-do and could-do lists reflect me. And that I pursue my dreams in a way that feels like ease.

So, friends. How do you want to feel today?