i see me.

When I look at myself – actually, literally look at myself – I’m pretty focused on one angle.

Straight on. Eye-level. I don’t examine my face a lot. I don’t check a lot of different angles. I just look at myself in the way that is typical and comfortable and usual.

I tend to do the same thing when I think about my worth, my abilities, my place in the world.

I look at the same angles and arrive at the same conclusions.

I’m okay, I guess.

If I work hard enough, I’ll be enough.

If I don’t stray from the comfortable, I can pretend like the uncomfortable doesn’t matter.

If I don’t look too hard – or dig too deep – I’ll be able to continue to believe that I’m okay.

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Today, I caught myself in the mirror at an unusual angle. And I picked up my phone and tried to recreate it.

Because even though I see something different, I still see me.

But just because it is an uncomfortable angle for me means nothing. Because this angle is very familiar to people in my life. Yes, I see droop that isn’t noticeable at my usual angle. And I’m not that fond of my nose. But these things aren’t being hidden. The things that I think I’m hiding? Everyone already sees them.

I’m trying to welcome other angles of myself. I’m trying to challenge my view of me by looking at myself differently. And being honest with what I see. And by allowing myself the same grace that I receive from others.

I’m okay, I guess.

I am fantastic. There are wonderful things about me, and things I’m working on, but I’m fantastic just as I am. Today.

If I work hard enough, I’ll be enough.

I have the amount of energy to accomplish what I need to accomplish. Doing more doesn’t equal being more. I have everything I need. And I have the energy to produce what needs to be produced.

If I don’t stray from the comfortable, I can pretend like the uncomfortable doesn’t matter.

Discomfort is where I grow. Discomfort keeps me healthy and happy and growing.

If I don’t look too hard – or dig too deep – I’ll be able to continue to believe that I’m okay.

I’m supposed to dig. I’m supposed to explore. I will have so much more to give the world – my clients, my soon-to-be students – when I know my deep places. And at every moment within the dig, I am okay. I will be okay.

There’s nothing that I can’t handle in the exploration, the examination, the dig.

Just me.

And I can handle me.

This is a part of my study of yoga philosophy. Today’s post is a reflection on svadhyaya – the study by and of oneself.

bullshit.

I don’t belong here. I’m not good at this. I’m not woowoo. This isn’t a place that I fit in.

Bullshit.

I don’t have the elusive it. I’m too far behind to catch up to where I should be in order to get where I want to go.

Bullshit.

My voice is small.

Bullshit. Such bullshit, Krissie.

I don’t have the body for this. I’m not strong enough or flexible enough or disciplined enough.

Bullshit.

I’m nothing special. I’m lacking something important that I can’t put my finger on.

Bullshit.

I’ll never get this.

Bullshit.

A year from now, I won’t be any closer to making enough money to start transitioning out of my job. I don’t have the energy to just keep doing all of this. And nothing is going to give unless I give up something.

Bullshit.

I am stagnant.

That’s ridiculous bullshit, right there.

I’m digging deep.

I’m scrubbing the bullshit away.

I’ll find my courageous foundation.

And I’ll begin again.

she said…

Sometimes it is easy to forget.

She said…

… how kind and wise and stark you are.

… you forced me to think about my best self and take small, manageable steps to making that a reality.

… you already set my world on fire. :-)

… you are passionate about people and that makes you awesome to be around.

you have a unique ability to rally and encourage people.

… I have spent the majority of my day today completely and totally immersed in your blog.

…you make changing my life fun and miraculous and exciting.

… your words feel very yogic to me.

I don’t know this body.

lowlunge

This week has been a real test for me.

I have been struggling. Physically. And I think my connection with my body – through yoga – is presenting a challenge.

Here’s what yoga has taught me: When it comes to moving my body, I can figure out how to fix discomfort.

I can bend my knees a little more or a little less.

I can bring my feet closer together or farther apart.

I can take a child’s pose.

I can push a little harder or back off a little more.

Physically, I can figure things out.

But this week, I haven’t been able to fix me.

I have had a headache. A headache that isn’t like anything I can identify. Severity has varied from 3 to 8, but I have had a constant headache. And I can’t figure it out. Is it allergies? Is it a migraine presenting differently? Is it blood pressure? Is it hormones?

I don’t know.

And, more than the headache itself, I’m finding myself irritated that I can’t figure out what is going on so I can’t figure out how to fix it.

A few months ago? I would have just taken 2 Aleve and it would have been done. I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. I would have just treated the headache and moved on.

But today, this connection that I feel with my body makes me want to figure out the cause and fix it. But now I’m dissecting it. I’m dissecting my symptoms, how I’m moving, and what I’m drinking and eating. I’m drinking a variety of teas. I’m keeping a pretty detailed journal. I’m trying to figure it out.

Screen shot 2014-10-02 at 4.28.56 PM

I don’t want to fix the symptom. I want to fix what is wrong.

Today, though, I finally took those 2 Aleve, and I feel seriously better. Almost normal even.

And, based on the calendar? There’s a good possibility this is hormones. The healthier I get, the more pronounced PMS symptoms get. I know this, I just forget it often.

I need to find a tea for that.