Today is a big day. Yesterday was a big day. There is a big day coming.

I’m also up and writing at 5am, so please forgive me if this doesn’t flow. It is early, but I’ve got to get this info out to you NOW. That’s how excited I am.

First, the big day coming? My littlest brother is having a baby. Well, his wife, not him exactly. She was due earlier in the week. We are just waiting on the word to hop in our car and start the 10-hour drive to Kansas. Just waiting. And it is killing me!

Yesterday was a huge day for Committed Coaching. First, Cassie at Back to Her Roots announced the details of the Super Summer Challenge and – surprise! – there is a lot of Committed Coaching in there! The (free!) printables are beautiful. The peer accountability is going to be awesome. I’m offering a 15% discount for accountability services for anyone playing along with the challenge. And I am super-duper stoked to get to meet everyone.

Cassie’s last challenge really resonated with me and gave me a ton of momentum with developing my business. I guess I realize the impact a challenge like this can have because I was there. I was so stinking proud of completing the By the Numbers 2 Challenge.

Also, my Coaching Website – Committed Coaching – got a whole new look yesterday! I’m really digging the feel of weebly. And I owe a HUGE thanks to Jaemie for getting the domain switch stuff all worked out. When she emailed me, “You just have to do this with the DNS and the specs on the rotor gurtur” I was just like, um, no. (And she didn’t really say all of that, there’s a reference to my favorite movie in there.) She was amazing and fast and gracious.

Now, a little excitement that has more to do with you than me! Sorta, in a roundabout way.

I fell in adoration with Danielle LaPorte when I read Fire Starter Sessions. So when I heard about The Desire Map, I got really really excited. And when I bought it, I had to fight between devouring it and savoring it. The Desire Map helped me figure out who I want to be in a very concrete way. By defining how I want to feel, I have created a decision filter that I can apply to any decision. My hand-dandy printable is right there on the inside front page of my beloved Erin Condren planner. And I truly use it all of the time.

I have brought my Core Desired Feelings into my prayers, my meditations, and they calm me down when I’m panicky over a situation or choice. I’m thinking of revisiting this book in a mini-weekend retreat of my own before marathon training starts (because I want community in there somewhere), and that thought excites me. Every Friday, I do my weekly refocus worksheet. I just cannot say enough about this program. I paid the full price, and am completely and totally content.

Today is Danielle LaPorte’s birthday and she is running a Pay-What-You-Can special for the Desire Map. It is only available through midnight PST tonight. It is only for the electronic version + bonuses, no the actual book. (And, to be honest, I printed up the workbook to have in a binder because I refused to write in the book itself.)

So I covered everything, right? Niece/Nephew watch. Super Summer Challenge. Website revamp. Desire Map. Check! Now I can mark this off my calendar and get ready to start my day for real. I’m kinda digging this 5am wakeup.

If you have any questions about any of this, leave me a comment. Have a fantastic weekend, friends!

When I ended up chatting with Catherine Just, the one thing I took away was self-judgement. I do it. A lot.

This isn’t good enough. I’m not working hard enough. I’m doing x and y, but I just can’t get z right. So all is see is z. Even if x and y are perfect (and right now, I’m LOVING things that are happening in x and y), I judge myself for z.

I hung up from my session and really started thinking about z. Z = my weight. I’m not where I was. I’m not where I want to be. My friend Tina talked to me about grace the other day. About how we can only expect to be able to handle so much on our plates. There truly are only so many hours in a day. And I totally believe that. I do need to extend some grace. Not grace about where I’m going, but about where I’ve been. How I got to where I am.

How did I get here? How did I get to at least 20 pounds (probably closer to 25) from my lowest weight last fall? I got busy. That’s it. I stopped taking time to grocery shop, prep food, and cook. I got too busy to take the time to talk myself out of scones and chicken nuggets from Chic-Fil-A. I got too busy to put myself first.

And, strangely enough, that is what I’m asking my clients to do this month. To accept themselves where they are and try to be better. To put themselves first.

Touche, Krissie. Touche.

I know that a shame spiral isn’t going to help things at all. So I’m pulling myself out of it.

I am who I am. Today. I am the size that I am. Today. Just because I don’t want to stay here doesn’t mean that I’m not amazing and deserving and a rockstar right in this very moment. Not at all.

I am not in denial any longer. I have a few items of clothing that fit the Krissie of today. And that is what I will wear. Yes, I don’t have the variety, but I refuse to wear anything that is uncomfortable. I’m too cool for that. I value myself too much for that.

I also know that I need to take the extra effort to be kind to myself. When I am kind to myself, I will make better food choices. I know this. I am not motivated by guilt. I am motivated by recognizing good and wanting to be better. So I went to Lululemon this weekend and bought new running gear. That fits. Yes, it was a splurge, but it makes me feel good. I also dropped a small fortune on lingerie. And I bought this heavenly lemon creme lotion. And I got a pedicure with Kelly.

Excessive? Probably. Necessary? Without a doubt. Because if I want to feel better, I need to be better. And if I want to be better, I need to feel better.

How’s that for circular thinking?

So today, I’m thinking, feeling, and wanting better. And trusting that this will lead me back to motivation.

(And now I’m singing “Love Will Lead You Back” by Taylor Dane. You’re welcome.)

Two weeks ago, I was driving to meet Kelly at Lululemon to provide some enabling shopping advice. On my way, I got an email from Catherine Just. I have followed her for a while. I am enrolled in her group offering for May. I think the work she does is beautiful. Anyway, I’m sitting at a red light and I get an email.

She’s opening up 30 minute consultation spots. First come, first served. Without even thinking, I take my next right. I sit in the parking lot of Thai Orchid (Hi Toa!) and fill out the info. I snagged a spot. And I was so so excited. I have so much swimming around in my head. So much of the time, I go back and forth quickly between feeling incredibly blessed and incredibly overwhelmed. I was so looking forward to talking to her about me and my journey. Where I am emotionally, professionally, all of that stuff.

I wrote the info down in my calendar and kinda forgot about it.

I have this call in a little more than three hours. And I almost sent an email to cancel.

Why? I’m sure what I have to say isn’t interesting. I’m sure she can’t help me. I’m sure I’m just a whiny, self-absorbed person who has plenty of time to get everything done if I just dig my heels in. I think there’s something wrong with me if I don’t have all the answers myself. I need to be more self-sufficient.

I sat with my lunch and thought all of these things. I let fear take over. I let fear tell me that I didn’t deserve this call. I let fear tell me that somehow I didn’t deserve to take time out of my day to talk about myself to someone that can help me.

So basically, I let fear tell me that I don’t deserve the same service that I give others on a daily basis. A service that I am building and growing and immersing myself in. A service that I am hoping to create a career from.

Yikes.

I went to her website, hoping that just maybe I’d get some clue as to what I should do.

“Shift your perception and let go of limiting beliefs. It’s time to own your greatness.”

Okay. I heard that loud and clear.

So I’ll call her at my allotted time. And I’ll be nervous. And I’ll be afraid that I’ll spurt sentence fragments and set things on fire. I’ll be afraid she’s judging me, even though I know she isn’t. I’ll be afraid that I won’t have anything to say, even though I know the floodgates are gonna be opened up on her (poor soul).

I’ll be afraid, but I’ll do it anyway.

That’s not all I’m doing today that scares me:

I registered for a marathon today. I will be training with two of my best girls (maybe more). I am so looking forward to it, but I am also terrified. TERRIFED.

I amended the offering for #myMay. I added two email consults to the resources-only option. I just felt like I needed to be more involved than just letting participants go. I don’t know how it looks to change just two days before launch (and that “resouce only” is no longer “only” resources), but oh well. I am so very very excited about this offering. And I just want to make sure that I am truly giving my all. I’m afraid it won’t be liked or well-received. But, you know what? I’m putting it out there. I’m depending on the words of those who have worked my challenges before and believing that my work has value. (Click here if you want more info.)

I’m afraid of a lot of things right now, friends. But I’m putting my head down and taking the steps. Because without fear, I won’t accomplish great things. Right?

Right.

I am at a point in my life where I feel constantly on the verge of overwhelm. I have been very sad for personal and community reasons. I have been very busy with the final weeks of runner training leading up to goal races. I am wrapping up my first big life coaching course. And that is just really generalizing everything. My life is full. Mostly full of great, exciting, exhilarating things, but full just the same.

As I’ve worked through these stressors and built my business, I’ve noticed something glaring. I have been neglecting myself. I haven’t been getting enough sleep. I’m not eating the way my body prefers (you should see how I retain water after the Greek truck – yikes). I’m putting miles on the road and the poses on the mat, but I’m not “training.” My house isn’t as tidy as I would like. You know the drill.

That’s exactly why I’m writing this. You know the drill. You do it too. You are there.

I know how hard it is to try to stay focused on my goals. I struggle sometimes to even keep them in the front of my mind. I spent the month of April taking some time to reflect on myself. To try to find a system of accountability that was focused but still fluid.

And I think I’ve done it.

I’ve been working my newest offering for three weeks and I have a client working it as well. It is specific but flexible, motivating but not discouraging.

And I think I love it.

So, yes, this is a plug. A shameless plug to invite you to become a part of my latest accountability offering. To allow me to share an accountability system and a series of beautiful printables from the lovely Cassie. This, my friends, is My May.

There are two different tiers. With registration, you will receive daily emails the first four days of May to set up realistic and meaningful daily goals for the month. I will send a weekly informational email and a new printable for each week. You will have access to a private facebook group to build community accountability. For an additional fee, you will receive accountability coaching from me 3-4 times a week via text message or email.

And a bonus? The first 5 registrants will receive a 30-minute coaching session from me. This is where I’ll really get to know you. This is my favorite part!

More information and registration details are here.

I truly hope you will join us! You can email me at Krissie@committedcoaching.com with any questions.

Wow. I haven’t been here in a while.

I have so much going on, friends. So much. I can’t even begin to catch you up, so I’m just going to pick things up where I am right now.

I decided to take April “off” as far as being a coach in any fashion. In order to finish up my life coaching class successfully and focus on what kind of practice I want to build, I thought I needed to take things off my plate. I decided not to do the 5K training groups I had planned on starting. I decided not to do any sort of challenge. I decided not to advertise that I was looking for new clients. I decided to step back from planning the running group. I decided to stop outlining posts for this blog that I just didn’t have time to write. I decided to stop working toward a PR at the half I’m running next month.

My calendar looks great. I’m only working with three clients on a daily basis, and another monthly. That’s it. I’m laying an incredible foundation for my coaching practice. I’m super prepared for class and I’m getting tons of academic reading done. I’m working on a marketing strategy. I’m rebuilding my website. I have the time to commit to building my practice quicker and with the soul I want it to carry. I’m making really significant strides toward becoming a life coach. I’ve given myself the time to do this.

But taking things off my plate? It hasn’t led to any relief. If anything, I’ve grown more anxious. More disregulated. More exhausted. With less on my plate. It didn’t make any sense. (Nathan can attest to this – the poor guy.)

But I realized something this morning.

All these things I’ve cut out? All of these things I’ve stopped planning because I wanted to be all business-minded?

These are the things that gave me energy. These are the things that inspire me. These are the things that motivate me to keep working, to keep going, to keep growing.

So I’m not sure where I’m going from here. I’m not sure what I will be reintroducing and in what timeframe. What I do know is that I need to be fed. By people. By actual coaching work instead of the business piece only. My heart just isn’t in it when I’m not with people.

Also? I’m not in it when I’m not making the time to write about it.

My hope is that I will start writing here again. For me. Because I think through things right here in this space. This space gives me energy, gives me focus, gives me balance.

Just funny how what I thought was draining me was actually feeding me. Have you ever experienced something similar?

My life is in a really bizarre spot right now. I’ve never been busier, but I’ve also never been happier.

Right about the time I finally decided not to run the marathon, I was in a very anxious place. Everything seemed just too overwhelming. Working full time + run group + part time coaching gig + part time school + running on the regular just seemed like too much. I had let my health slide, just because I was choosing convenience over the big picture. And I didn’t see any way out of that.

Now that classes have started (which I am totally in love with), I know exactly what I am up against. Having all the information has helped me to feel like things are manageable. I can plan, I can create structure, I can get myself together.

And I have. I’ve got a plan. I’ve got a structure. I have everything written out on my calendar nicely for the next 8 weeks. It feels good.

But what doesn’t feel good? My clothes. I can tell that I’ve put on 15 pounds. And I have gone from a place of being okay with that to wanting them gone.

A few weeks back, we were sitting in church listening to a sermon on romantic relationships. He talked about how easily we drift away from the good times without even noticing it. And then he said this:

“If you want what you used to have, do what you used to do.”

He was talking about flowers and notes and attention. But I took that comment through the lens of my health.

If I want what I used to have – comfy 10s (even that one pair of 8s), contentment in the mirror, flexibility in yoga, ease in running, just being comfortable in my skin – I have to do what I used to do.

And, for the first time in months, that thought didn’t exhaust me or put me into panic. Instead it was like a rally, a battle cry. Weight loss went from something that was overwhelming and scary to something that I was like “pssssh. I know how to do that!”

I’ve started small. I backed off running last week and did some cross-training. (That is the total key to weight loss for me.) I haven’t been paying attention to my calories, but I am focusing on healthy foods. I feel like a store with a soft opening. I’m not shocking myself. I’m easing back into what I used to be.

I’m not going to make some big “I’M BACK!” cry because, please, I’ve been there before. All I’m saying is that I’m ready. There’s room in my life now. I have things I want to accomplish that will be easier if there’s less of me. Even if I just get back to where I was in the fall, I’ll be content. I mean, I’d love to see my goal weight by July, but I’ll be content just being at my lowest adult weight.

March is utter pandemonium. Utter. There is a race – and hence a huge social aspect – every weekend in March. We are going to Asheville this weekend. Then Erin and Levi will be here for a few days. And then Erin and Brenna will be here for the half-marathon. I’m starting to promote a few new business ventures. I’m in class two nights a week. But it is also a big chance for me to prove to myself that I can make a commitment like this. If I can do it now, it’ll be cake when things settle down.

I’m making a workout plan. I’m making menus and grocery lists to have at the ready. I’m doing everything I can to recreate the lifestyle I had last summer and fall.

Because it works. I’m just gonna do what I used to do.

I need to give y’all an update, don’t I? I tell you that I’m torn and then I disappear.

Sorry.

It’s kinda a funny story, though.

First, I totally expected you guys to tell me to buck up and just do it already. Completely. I am honored that you guys understood my thought process and that you know me well enough to tell me what I needed to hear. My heart was speaking very loud, I was just afraid of being judged.

I still haven’t talked about it here, but I totally loved Danielle LaPorte’s The Desire Map. I spent significant time figuring out my core desired feelings. And I’m pretty good at using them as a decision filter. For career. For money. For opportunities that arise. I’m able to take these 5 words and let them guide my decisions.

But for some reason, I hadn’t even thought about using this decision filter with the marathon decision. I have focused for so long on marathon = powerful. That’s what got me through the 12-miler on the treadmill. That’s what got me through the white-knuckle long runs. I was working toward feeling powerful.

Over the past few weeks, that has completely changed. So I sat down with my list of desired feelings and did a serious, honest inventory the feelings I have surrounding the marathon.

When I think of running a marathon in 12 days, do I feel powerful?

No. I feel weak, defeated, and not in control.

When I think of running a marathon in 12 days, do I feel thankful?

No. I feel discouraged, frustrated, and bitter.

When I think of running a marathon in 12 days, do I feel nourishment?

No. I feel drained, empty, and lonely.

When I think of running a marathon in 12 days, do I feel freedom?

No. I feel burdened, afraid, and unfocused.

When I think of running a marathon in 12 days, do I feel momentum?

No. I feel trapped, flailing, and stuck.

So there you go, friends. It is that easy.

This marathon is not going to happen. I won’t have a sense of dread for the next week and a half.

But what will happen?

I’m going to have an awesome trip to Asheville. I’ll spend the evening before not worrying about what I’m eating and drinking. I’ll see my friends and my love off from the start line. Then maybe Toa, Kelly, and I will take a run around pieces of the course while we’re waiting to see our marathoners again. And then I’ll cheer with Toa, Kelly, and my family as Nathan, Christie, Brooke, and Judy accomplish a major feat. And then I’ll spend the rest of the weekend celebrating with them. I will get to enjoy one of my favorite places in the world with people who don’t know it well.

I am setting myself free from fear, discomfort, and all the other crap that surrounds my head with this race.

Thank you all for standing by me. It means so much.

There’s not easy way to say this, so I’m just gonna say it.

I’m 99% sure I am not going to run the marathon in 2 weeks.

The strange thing? I say this with 99% confidence and assurance.

This is my third cycle of marathon training. The first cycle was difficult but manageable. The weather at the actual race was frighteningly hot so the race wasn’t what I expected. But I walked away from that race as a marathoner. And that can’t be taken away from my.

My second cycle of marathon training was a mix of amazing and discouraging. I hate to say this, but I almost cruised through 75% of the training cycle. I was running up to 10 mile mid-week runs. I was consistently surprised by my pace. The only walk breaks I took on the 20-miler was to fuel. I felt incredible. Solid. Strong. Capable. But then tendonitis came along and I was sidelined. I had trained so hard, felt so strong, but knew that it was best for my body to sit that one out.

As soon as my foot was completely back to normal (about 3 weeks), I eased back into marathon training. Looking back, I still feel great about it. I was smart about my build. I feel like I did everything right.

I haven’t missed a long run. I’ve missed very few runs period. I’ve been eating okay. I’ve been sleeping well. This has been my most consistent training cycle so far. My mid-week runs are solid. I’m loving pushing my pace. I’m loving running with my friends.

But my long runs have been terrible. I fall apart at 15 miles in. My 16, 18, 20, and 18 (supposed to be 22) mile runs have left me feeling broken and discouraged. They have made me wonder why I run and why I even try, to be honest. It doesn’t matter if I’m alone or with someone. It doesn’t matter if it is warm or chilly. It doesn’t matter if it is a hilly course or a flat course. I have no specific pain. It isn’t a fuel issue. I just fall apart. At 15ish miles, I’m just done. It is almost like a switch is thrown. I am just done.

I have a lot going on right now. I work full time (and there have been a lot of new responsibilities there). I coach part-time. I coordinate a running group. I’m getting ready to start classes. I have an amazing social life. I am pulled really thin right now. And I think that my body/mind/spirit just cannot handle running for more than three hours. I think that is where everything that I don’t have control of just draws the line.

And I don’t know if I have it in me right now to fight that. It would be different if this was my first training cycle, if I didn’t know any better. But I do know better. It is supposed to be hard, but it isn’t supposed to be THIS hard.

I have ran a marathon before. I will run another someday. I just don’t know if March 3rd is that day.

I have two options:

1) I can run the marathon. I will be nervous between now and then. I don’t know that I’ll look forward to it at all. I will sleep fitfully at my favorite bed and breakfast and then dread running in my most favorite city in the world. I can go up to that line, wearing my bib, and realistically not know if I have it in my heart to finish. I can have a great three hours and then struggle through three more hours. I was unable – and I do mean unable – to finish my 22 miler. I shut down mentally. And I know this is 90% mental. I just don’t know if I have that.

2) I can not run the marathon. I can stop worrying about it. I can just make that decision. I can spend those same hours on race day standing on the sidelines. I can spend that time with some of the people I love the most – my Mom, Dad, Niece, Kelly and Toa – cheering for other people that I love so so dearly. I can let all of this fear and anxiety and disappointment go. I can release it. And I can enjoy Asheville and my family.

I felt really secure in my decision not to run when I started typing this out, but now I’m on the fence again. Now I feel – again – like a disappointment and a quitter. Like I’m letting everyone down, including myself. That I trained too hard and too long to just pull out because I’m scared. What started as a declaration of freedom from this race is now a tearful, prideful, fearful question mark.

I’m going to follow the training plan through the taper. I’m going to go pick up my packet. I’m going to see how I feel. And I’ll deal with the aftermath either way.

I want to ask for words of wisdom, but I’m afraid things will just get more cloudy. And things feel very cloudy.

Screw that. You all know me. Thoughts?

I’ve given up some pretty difficult stuff for lent. Meat. Caffeine. Spending. (We’re also doing No-Spend Lent again this year, but I know it is doable, and we’re doing it as a family, so that’s not the piece that I’m writing about.)

This year, unless I’m working out or lounging at home, I’m giving up the ponytail.

Really, Krissie? That’s it?

Yup. That’s it. And it is going to be really difficult for me.

Lots of days, I run in the evening. I shower, go to bed on a wet head, and rock a sloppy ponytail or bun the next day.

No more.

I’ve learned that the ponytail represents some not-so-great things that I feel about myself.

First, I think I go to the ponytail so often because it isn’t “pretty.” And I don’t feel pretty much anymore. The ponytail also shows my lack of interest in presenting myself that way right now.

The ponytail is also lazy. It is me not putting the effort in to look my best. Or even look like I care. Just lazy.

I think it is also a manifestation of my perfection tendencies/fears. In a perfect world, my hair would be straight. I would take the time to straighten it. So the ponytail hides that it is a big, fuzzy mess. If I won’t put 100% into it, then I just put 0% into it. All or nothing. Black or white. I need to get cozy in the grey. Accept my hair for what it is. And do what I can with it.

So there it is. No ponytail outside the house unless I’m engaged in a fitness activity.

This makes me nervous.

Let’s do this, Lent.

Today’s May Cause Miracles (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0307986934)
affirmation:

I needed this today.

I am reminded that I can see peace. Not that I should, but that i could. Not that it is a switch I can just flip or a turn I have to make. Peace is a choice that I could possibly make.

Crazy work expectations causing stress and drama?

I could see peace instead of this.

A huge run tomorrow that terrifies me?

I could see peace instead of this.

Feeling that I am neglecting my husband and family by focusing so much on growing my coaching business?

I could see peace instead of this.

Worrying about how I am going to pay for everything I feel like I want to do?

I could see peace instead of this.

The never-ending internal judgement over putting on ten pounds and feelings of physical inadequacies?

I could see peace instead of this.

Not that I must. Or that I should. Just that peace is possible. I don’t have to throw open the door and let peace flood over all of my stresses. (Because, really, how realistic is that?)

All I have to do is crack the door a little, see what may be on the other side, and let the light of peace start trickling in.

I could see peace instead of this.

***

If you are interested in working through May Cause Miracles during Lent or learning more about what I am offering, click over to my coaching website for Lent Challenge details (http://committedcoaching.com/2013/02/02/lent-challenge/). Registration closes Monday evening!