this is not the time.

I’m cooking up something delicious for the first of the year.

This means that I – along with a small group of test clients – am smack in the middle of body awareness. We are learning to listen what our bodies tell us about food, movement, and beauty.

And I am learning. Lots.

Sometimes, the problem is just timing.

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In an honest attempt to simplify my menu planning, I signed up for a cleanse. A cleanse that I was really excited about. That I thought I wanted. I made the grocery list. I sent Nathan to the grocery store. I detoxed from caffeine. I was involved in the Facebook group. I was super super excited.

But then, two days in to the food restriction, I felt terrible. My joints – especially in my fingers – ached. My lips were cracking. And the only thing I could think about was a glass of milk.

Not sugar. Not grain. But a glass of milk.

So I had one.

It wasn’t a knee-jerk decision. I weighed my options. I thought about what I was potentially giving up. I thought about my financial commitment. But I realized that I could still cook everything on the menu.

And I could add cheese if I wanted.

So I had a glass of milk. And maybe it is in my head, but I woke up feeling like me again.

And that is what is most important to me today. In a world where I am preparing for yoga teacher training trip 2. In a world where work feels less than stable. In a world where I want so many things to be different but am terrified of change.

I need to feel like me. I need to be grounded in who I am, physically and emotionally.

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This is not the time to cleanse. There will be a time, but this is not it.

I am still decaf. I am still keeping the additions to my day. But I’m also listening to my body. Because I know what I need. And more challenge is not what I need.

I am not giving up. I am not jumping ship. I am just saying not right now.

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Are you on Instagram? I am loving the space as a mini- blog. You can see my pictures and follow me as krissiebentley.

i see me.

When I look at myself – actually, literally look at myself – I’m pretty focused on one angle.

Straight on. Eye-level. I don’t examine my face a lot. I don’t check a lot of different angles. I just look at myself in the way that is typical and comfortable and usual.

I tend to do the same thing when I think about my worth, my abilities, my place in the world.

I look at the same angles and arrive at the same conclusions.

I’m okay, I guess.

If I work hard enough, I’ll be enough.

If I don’t stray from the comfortable, I can pretend like the uncomfortable doesn’t matter.

If I don’t look too hard – or dig too deep – I’ll be able to continue to believe that I’m okay.

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Today, I caught myself in the mirror at an unusual angle. And I picked up my phone and tried to recreate it.

Because even though I see something different, I still see me.

But just because it is an uncomfortable angle for me means nothing. Because this angle is very familiar to people in my life. Yes, I see droop that isn’t noticeable at my usual angle. And I’m not that fond of my nose. But these things aren’t being hidden. The things that I think I’m hiding? Everyone already sees them.

I’m trying to welcome other angles of myself. I’m trying to challenge my view of me by looking at myself differently. And being honest with what I see. And by allowing myself the same grace that I receive from others.

I’m okay, I guess.

I am fantastic. There are wonderful things about me, and things I’m working on, but I’m fantastic just as I am. Today.

If I work hard enough, I’ll be enough.

I have the amount of energy to accomplish what I need to accomplish. Doing more doesn’t equal being more. I have everything I need. And I have the energy to produce what needs to be produced.

If I don’t stray from the comfortable, I can pretend like the uncomfortable doesn’t matter.

Discomfort is where I grow. Discomfort keeps me healthy and happy and growing.

If I don’t look too hard – or dig too deep – I’ll be able to continue to believe that I’m okay.

I’m supposed to dig. I’m supposed to explore. I will have so much more to give the world – my clients, my soon-to-be students – when I know my deep places. And at every moment within the dig, I am okay. I will be okay.

There’s nothing that I can’t handle in the exploration, the examination, the dig.

Just me.

And I can handle me.

This is a part of my study of yoga philosophy. Today’s post is a reflection on svadhyaya – the study by and of oneself.